Mostly funny.

My M.S., ever present. All though I deny it's presence, it comes to me like a fog, still, pressing. Gone for a day or months. Returning like an old unwelcome friend. M.S. hides and waits until I can not resist anymore. It breaks my body down but, not my spirit. Today I must rest. Tomorrow is another day to fight. My body rests while the pain awakens. No distractions today. I have a greater understanding for those that are immobile. My mind is always there ready to be tortured by my own hidden demons. There's some mention about "idle hands being the devils play ground." Who ever said that must have had some personal experience. I've been reading a book that reminds me to look at life with the eyes of a child. I've been trying this notion for a couple of days. Life is easier when you try to look at life with the eyes of a child. I guess I just need to find the fun in everything. It sounds pretty easy when you read it back to yourself. It's harder typed than done. M.S. has been a part of my life for 20 years yet, after all my efforts it surprises me when it sneaks in under the walls. That sucks doesn't it? We all get something. Something positive to say about M.S. M.S. is truly a motivational disease. There, that's mostly funny.

Hallelujah

Joy, oh rapture I've completed a very difficult course. When I wanted to hide my head and not show up for class I continued. Similar to life, constantly striving to improve who I am. For me this has been an amazing experience. I've found that I don't really know that much. There is so much more to be learned. Life is a journey not a contest. A persons life is not measured by the things in life. Rather it is measured by which you act and react to situations that you can not control. All though there is always the ever present "Fear Monster" a persons desire to be compels him or her to hang on a little longer. Perseverance personified. Miheala "The Teacher," implores me to be better. Guides me in directions yet unexplored. Where it leads, "I do not know!" What I do know is that I'm enjoying the ride. Isn't that the goal? Just enjoy and appreciate the ride. My life is always full. May it remain the same?No I choose "not the same." Our lives connected for four weeks. All coming to INTESOL for various reasons. Adventure, divorce, uncertainty. As for me it was my escape. My life not my own Constant giving perhaps giving away too much. The results thoughts, of being completely overwhelmed. In these four weeks I have been the receiver. Pleasant and comforting. May I nourish myself frequently!

I dreamt of you

I had a dream, it was very real so, I wrote down the words and put it to music. The music has been written down. Since I dont' have a recording studio in the back yard the music is not recorded. I guess you'll just have to come over and listen. Oh, and I can't sing it. The song is written in the key for the one I dreamt of. Cool huh?

The pain we shared. The tears we felt. Our knees we fell. We shared our pain. But then, I dreamt of you my friend, my friend. I dreamt of you. Your smiling face remains in my heart and in my mind. You'll find the joy that you seek. My friend I saw your face. That smiling face. That joyous face. I saw your face. Your husband there, the smiles you share, the home you now live. I saw you there I felt your joy. Inside those inner walls Surrounded by the ones you live. I felt Gods love, I saw you there I felt Gods love, I saw you there. We shared our dreams. We shared our lives. We shared our hopes. Those smiling eyes, that radiant face, that joyous air, I dreamt of you.

Well things just happen

Tard I R. CRS. Don't know how I blogged in Willy's blog. Ooops my bad. Feel free to delete if it's possible. Sorry no excuses. User not demonstrating a proficiency in blogging. May be at risk of embarrassing others. As I posted on Willy's blog, (YA NOT MY BLOG) I will repeat "Ya, I like money." I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. Must take a course ASAP. I'm going to Greece mid October. It will be a very good thing. There's only one problem with the trip. I'm going to school to learn "how to teach English as a second language." Me teaching others. YA RIGHT! I'd hoped to blog while in Greece. It's a very intensive 4 week program, Monday through Sunday each and every week. I might make a fool of myself. However, there is a good thing that comes from traveling a great distance. No one knows me! If they speak in Greek I won't know what they are saying. No pains no gains! RIGHT? Life is good. I'm a Tard. I'm ok with that. My family still loves me. Ok, Willy may be less than pleased. However, I'm thinking that he could really take advantage of this demonstration in tardness. Laughter is good for the soul.

One coma please?

Silly, funny & euphoric all mixed in with other negative feelings. No, not negative feelings. Feelings you don't like to feel. All necessary but unwanted by the mind and body. Why must we feel? Knowing the bitter from the sweet? I think I'd just like to be unaware. Mindless and senseless, a coma sounds good for the moment. Just a short break in routine. After a while the dishes would pile up and chores would be undone. But, messes always wait for me. What the heck, why not a short coma? They do it in science fiction movies. Why not in my life. A silly notion indeed but a silly notion welcomed. But then it really isn't as pleasant as the movies reveal. They leave out the disgusting body parts that no one really wants to know about. OK, so I want a state of deep sleep with out potty. Not asking for much, right? What happens when you wake? Do all the feelings come rushing back to you? I guess I'll just keep on plodding along and hope for one good nights sleep.

Questions

Tears fall, pain grips my heart. Unanswered questions, thoughts random & fleeting. Why do we mourn when life is better for "The One"? Our hearts ache for The One is gone from our eyes. Ever present yet illusive. Why? questions formed but never given utterance. We believe! we shout to our souls. Knowing that this pain will depart. When? Questions, what is the lesson to be learned? What are the right questions? May I learn the right questions quickly so there is no more pain? No more pain that grips my heart and drops me to my knees. We stay earth bound for those around us. All the while in our minds shouting when is it my turn, and yet fighting to stay. Sudden and unexpected, it's the worst especially amongst the young. Why? Thoughts too painful to reveal. Can't talk to the ones we love the most. They too will be gripped by grief. Seen and felt too many tears. Can't scratch the surface revealing the pain beneath. Platitudes, Ya, I'm fine.

No password, no get in

Did you know that you can't blog if you can't remember your password. Yep, well boys and girls this is what happens in life. No password, no get in. There are lots of things that occur when this cycle is repeated. Lack of proper I.D., nope can't get in. Can't remember your bank card pin, can't get in. Yesterday I had some really good thoughts and wanted to blog. No password, no get in. However, now the issue is resolved and I can get in. There is progress. Now if I could only remember those thoughts. CRS it happens.

Matter verses water

Grown in water, born of water, made up of mostly water. Reborn of water, remember the water every Sunday. Trying to fight off time in water. Water is always stronger. It resists my efforts to move through it. All tho seemingly easy from the deck a war is being waged. The water compels me to drift in my mind as well as in body. My thoughts return to breathing and strokes. Very important to keep your mind on the strokes. It's not fun to bang your head on the concrete. The water doesn't care if my left side is weak today. Powers beyond my understanding make the water resist. Oh I know the science behind it. But, the question remains. Why does it fight me? Resistance in every stroke. Just like life. Ebb and flow, powerful or powerless it doesn't care. The water is my friend and my nemeses. In the end we will return to water. Why does it matter then? Matter verses water, the water always wins. I guess the question is, will you fight or let the current take you? I choose to fight.

It's in the air

Can you smell it? Heat, sweat, mud & grass engulfs my mind and senses. First week of August a new found retreat. It's all encompassing, frustrating and wonderful. Football physicals, is this guy really a doctor? This is my life seventeen and a half years ago. It seems only yesterday that we made trips to football fields. Tension and relief, will they be OK? How many miles put on the "Red Sled"? Why can't we turn back the pages of time and revisit those moments? Mom always said, "enjoy this time in your life, your going to miss this." Unsure of what she meant I tried to treasure those moments. Meet at Mickey D's on State Street at 5:30 a.m. Is this really something I'm going to miss? Doubting at the time, but she was right. Doug's introduction to the game at five months of age. Carried in a baby back pack we'd walk the field, mom needed to loose some baby pounds. Oh, the scent of hot evenings & grass. We loved it, did we tell each other how much? Willy running the field, trying to keep up with his big brother. Wanting so badly to play too. Brought his bike so that he'd get out of the way. Did Mitch know how much he was loved by his brother? Time to go, pungent smells in the Red Sled. Damn door won't slide across. It's a new car it should have worked, been repaired before. Mustn't cuss. Cheers and tears, as the game played out. Injuries, ready to go in? A mothers need to rush the field and give relief. Look the other way and take a deep breath. Gun shot, end of quarter, "my God I think they've shot him." Red Sled now gone, little boys grown. Replaced by new adventures in a bright new August. Found some mud and grass today, I think I'll give it a whiff. Aw,, it's in the air.

Momma said there'd be days like this

"Faith is the balm of Gilead." (Elder Nelson). Mark 9:17 And one of the multitude answered and asked, Master I have brought unto thee my son, which have a dumb spirit: And wheresoever he taketh him him, he teareth him and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to the disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not. He answereth him, and saith, O faithless generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him unto me. And they brought him unto him; and when he saw him, straightway the spirit tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming, and he ask his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child. And ofttimes it have cast him into the fire, and into the waters, to destroy him; but if thou canst do any thing, have compassion on us, and help us. Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things ARE possible to him that believeth. And straighway the father of the child cried out and said with tears, Lord I believe; HELP THOU MINE UNBELIEF. Help thou mine unbelief is my pray many times. I don't know the meaning of a lot of things. Hope, enduring to the end is a good thing as well. James 5:11 Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy. That's a very good thing. (understatement of the year). I cried through most of Relief Society today. The lesson was on "Words of Hope and Consolation. For rude! I had the right clothes on. All black! Argh! Mayhaps the teachers touched a chord in me. Aw well, Momma said there'd be days like this.

OH, The Places You Will Blog

Oh, the places she has blogged. Her first blogging memory was that of her cowboy daddy. Oh, she sat securely in his arms astride his horse named, Hurry. Blond curls surround her head, red cowboy boots on her feet. With feelings of dread Hurry tried to pull her off of his back and on to the ground. She kicked back, but Hurry was too big. No other would ride Hurry but her cowboy daddy. Trixie's sneak into our lives. The little girl was not an exception. She met a baby sitter who saw the three year old girl as a blog she never had. Tossed from wall to wall the little girl blogged no one. Other abuses, at the hands of the baby sitter. The baby sitter is forgiven. The little girl blogged no one. Blogs of her mommy picking sweet violets, so purple and dainty. This would be a blog that the little girl would tell everyone. Oh, the places she would blog. Her life was beautiful. She was innocent and knew nothing of this kind of blog. Now six, maybe five another Trixie sought to sneak. A man child, friend to her brothers had been taught by his own Trixie. The man child could not blog to his parents for they were upside down and inside out with alcohol. The man child played out his tricks on the little girl. She became a woman child at age six. The woman child blogged no one. The woman child grew and hid her beauty even from her own mind. In the mirror she must not see an object of desire. It felt wrong. Oh, the places she would blog if she knew how. As the woman child grew she still did not understand the tricks that were played on her. Father in Heaven understood. He saved the most dangerous Trixie. The man child was called home at age twenty one before he could be a Trixie to someone else. The woman child understood that even though the loss was great, God had been merciful. To most of all, God had been merciful to the man child. The man child is forgiven. The woman child cried for her Trixie and missed him terribly. Over and over the woman child blogged herself truths. One day a man asked the woman child, "why does she hide her body?" Aw, the woman child knew the answer but could not blog the man. The man threatened the woman child's shell. She could blog no one. Oh, the places she would blog if the woman child could learn to trust. Until the child could be forgotten and reconnected with the woman, she could not blog. Oh, the places she would blog if the woman child would let go of control. A good and understanding man married the woman child, non- blogger. He tried to help her blog trust and need to control. The man was patient and waited. It wasn't until the woman child met a beautiful woman named Traci. Traci blogged the woman child's heart and showed her "there is no control." The woman child reunited herself, with the woman. Oh, the places the woman will blog now. Freedom to choose daily is the only gift the woman can give her God. For, the woman is indebted to him eternally. God is the only person the woman can truly trust. The Teacher helped the woman to trust. The woman misses her Teacher. But, the woman has been blogged enough times to know that God is Merciful. Oh, the places The Teacher has blogged and will continue to blog. I love my Teacher.

Question never formed

When my son asked me what I wanted to title my new blog site, I literally said, "Oh I don't know." You see, now that I've aged I know less than I ever thought. I guess it takes a life time to semi understand enough. Yet, still unexperienced the questions remain unvoiced in my mind. As life hits me with delights and blows I find that I am asking a small margin of the right questions. I sound rather "Matrix", don't I? I do know that my "life is full and exciting." A promise given to me more than 30 years ago are being fulfilled. Mmm I was thinking "world travel". NOT!